


toothpaste for toddlers

by cowboydeanwinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Brief Mention of Vomit, Castiel Loves Bees, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, its non graphic tho, set after finale, there is no finale in ba sing se, this is not sponsored by any brands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28619955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboydeanwinchester/pseuds/cowboydeanwinchester
Summary: “All you really need is a 3-in-1 and you’re good here.”“Sam informed me, that if you try to get me to buy 5-in-1 anything, that I must insist you do not ‘push your heteronormative toxic masculinity agenda onto me.’” The entire sentence was absolute horse-shit but Cas using air quotes for literally every word made it that much more ridiculous.“Yeah? Well tell Sam he doesn't know a damn thing about anything.”...Or, Cas is feeling down, a grocery store trip should cheer him up right?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, sam winchester/Eileen leahy (minor)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 332





	1. Chapter 1

“This just…. sucks.” 

It was such a human phrase, which made it that much sadder. A bitter reminder of what Cas lost.

“Come on, man. It’s not that bad. Really.” Dean browsed the selection before crouching to look at the lower shelving. “Look,” he pointed to a brightly colored, pink and green tube. “They have watermelon flavored.” He held the tube closer to Cas. “You like watermelon, don’t you?”

Cas glared.

“That’s a _child’s_ toothpaste. It has a cartoon fruit on it.” He crossed his arms and let out an adorable huff. And very ironically said, “I’m not a child.” _Cute_..

“Here.” Dean held up a different tube. It was white, and had the name “hello” written across it. It was another watermelon flavour. Dean smiled gently. “I think Jack uses this brand.”

“Not helping, Dean.” Cas continued to glare at the offending tubes of toothpaste. “I just don't get it.”

“Well, Jack will be thrilled either way.” Dean stood up and tossed the tube into their empty cart. “So you don’t like mint, it’s not a big deal. Lots a’ people don’t”

“But I never had a problem the first time I became human.”

Dean touched his shoulder gently, Cas relaxed into his touch. “You had a bad experience with mint, it’s a part of being human.” Dean offered Cas a smile, he didn't return it, he didn't even look at him. “Everybody has something they can no longer eat because of a bad experience. Hell, I can’t eat tuna fish anymore after me and Sammy got food poisoning when I was ten.”

Cas sighed. “I suppose.”

“And maybe if you didn’t brush your teeth like a _freakin’ weirdo_.”

“ _Dean_.”

  
  


Cas had gone to the bathroom after breakfast to brush his teeth, one of the many human habits he’s not used to. He’d been using Dean's bathroom since he hasn’t gotten his own stuff yet. Dean had walked in and found the absolute dork squeezing the Colgate directly onto his tongue, and like a lot of it. And his other hand held Dean’s toothbrush, which… gross. Had he been using that all week? Dean really needs to go to the store and get Cas his own shit.

Apparently, Human Cas can’t sense Deans presence anymore, which they all found out the hard way. Seeing Castiel Former Angel of the Lord squeezing fucking Colgate directly on his tongue caused Dean to blurt “what the fuck are you—“ 

Cas, startled, gasped and inhaled the fucking toothpaste. Causing the poor guy to gag and start heaving over the toilet bowl. Dean filled the glass by the sink with water and rubbed soothing circles on his back until he was able to calm down. Unfortunately, now whenever Cas tried to brush his teeth or eat anything minty, he gagged and a few times vomited. It hasn’t been a good week for him. Dean promised to take him to the store and pick out a non-minty toothpaste and his own damn toothbrush. 

“It’s embarrassing.” Cas turned and started pushing the cart further down the aisle, toward the toothbrushes.

Dean grabbed his, Sammy’s and Jack’s choice of toothpaste. Jack’s was a white tube, also had the word “hello” written across but in red. It was apple flavoured, and specified it was for toddlers and was safe if swallowed. They started buying that brand for him shortly after the first time Dean taught him to brush his teeth. Dean told him to “spit it out” but Jack turned and smiled “I already swallowed it.” So Jack’s no longer allowed to use adult toothpaste, because he continues to think it’s candy. Man, whatever gets the kid to brush his damn teeth.

“Since when do you care about this stuff anyway.” 

Cas was picking at his fingernails while he eyed options. His face was pink and he looked everywhere but at Dean. “I just… never had this problem before”

“You mean when you were the size of a Chrysler building with like 100 eyes and a lionhead.” It was a touchy subject. Cas didn’t necessarily regret giving up his grace, but he still clearly mourned the loss. Everytime Dean or Sam would get hurt, his hands would twitch, wanting to heal them. On a rougher night, Cas confided he felt useless. Dean did his best to make him feel better, telling him he wasn’t useless, that they kept him around cause he’s family, with or without his angel mojo.

Cas nodded. He picked up a pack of 5 brushes and started reading carefully. “This one says ‘orthodontist recommended’... but this one also says ‘orthodontist recommended’. Dean, how are we supposed to know which to get?” It was the first time Cas made eye contact with Dean since walking into the store. Dean wasn’t sure which part Cas was most embarrassed about. Vomiting four times this week, having to use a child's toothpaste, or the fact that he had to do human shit now, like wash his hair, eat, shave, and well… shit.

“It doesn’t really matter.” Dean grabbed a pack of ten that had the best deal and tossed them into the cart.

“Dean,” Cas looked so offended, “those don’t say ‘orthodontist recommended’.” His eyes wide.

“Man, I promise, it’ll be okay.”

Cas hesitated, still unsure. So Dean sighed, switched the cheap one pack of ten, to two of the much more expensive packs of five. Seeing Cas’ satisfied smile was worth it. 

* * *

“All you really need is a 3-in-1 and you’re good here.”

“Sam informed me, that if you try to get me to buy 5-in-1 anything, that I must insist you do not ‘push your heteronormative toxic masculinity agenda onto me.’” The entire sentence was absolute horse-shit but Cas using air quotes for literally every word made it that much more ridiculous. 

“Yeah? Well tell Sam he doesn't know a damn thing about anything.” Dean threw the bottle of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash mix into the slow filling cart. “Besides it’s ‘3-in-1’ not ‘5-in-1’ and it’s cost efficient.” 

“He says he ‘can’t believe you’re the gay sibling’ and that ‘you have Charlie’s hacked card anyway and theres no excuse for you to be dense,’’” Cas continued to use his airquotes on every word.

Dean turned. “What, are you texting him?” 

“Um.”

“Fine. Text him this, _‘Kiss my ass.’”_ And to himself he muttered, “And it's time efficient too, asshole.”

“Sam is inquiring why you take so long in the shower then if it’s supposed--”

“Ok shut up. And stop typing everything I say to Sammy. I don’t even wanna know why the guy knows my showering habits.” Dean turned from the shelving to see Cas frantically typing on his small cell phone. “Are you still typing what i'm saying? Are you typing this right now?” He walked over to where Cas was still typing and clearly ignoring him, and snatched his phone.

Cas: Dean Would Like You To Know, “You Don't Know A Damn Thing About Anything.” B)

Sam: ???

Sam: Dean’s a little bitch

Cas: He Would Also Like To Inform You, That The Shampoo Is “3-IN-1” Not “5-IN-1”. I’m Quite Unsure Of The Difference, It Seems Like “5-IN-1” Is A Better Deal, Am I Incorrect? ^.^

Cas: He Also Said It Was Cost Efficient, I Can Not Help But Agree. :)

Sam: i cannot believe he is the gay sibling.

Sam: No Cas it is not better, and tell him he has Charlie’s hacked credit card so theres no excuse for him to be dense 

Cas: Kiss My Ass

Cas: Dean Asked Me To Text You That. He Also Says “It’s Time Efficient Too, Asshole”

Cas: Again, His Words

Sam: time efficient my ass

Sam: ask him why he spends so long in the shower then

Cas: He Says, “Shut Up And Stop Typing Everything I Say To Sammy.”

Cas: “I Don’t Even Wanna Know Why The Guy Knows My Showering Habits.”

Cas: “Are You Still Typing What I’m Saying.”

Sam: i lived with him my whole life

Cas: “Are You Typing This Right Now.”

_Sam is typing._

When Dean looked up Cas was smirking. That little shit.

“You’ve lost phone privileges.” He pocketed the phone before moving down the aisle.”And why do you type like that? It's damn sinful. 

“Wait,” Cas went after him. “I apologize Dean it won't happen again.” The little shit was still smiling.

“No, I cant trust you anymore.” Dean moved out of the way to keep Cas from reaching into his back pocket.

He was almost out of the aisle when he realized Cas was no longer trying for his phone, and no longer behind him. Instead, he was staring curiously at a section in the shampoo aisle. “What’cha looking at, Angel?”

Cas pointed, “Burt’s Bees.”

Dean backtracked and met up with him. “Uh huh. What about it?”

“Do you think they support bees? Or that it smells like honey?” Cas’ expression darkened. “Or perhaps do you think it's made of bees?”

“What? I don't know. Definitely not that last one.” Dean scanned the products. “It looks like they spread Bee Awareness or some shit. Is this what you want?” He held up a shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Separate bottles. Definitely smaller and more expensive. But for Cas? Worth it. 

Cas smiled and nodded. 

“Do _not_ tell Sam I bought you this hippie shit.” Dean added the items to the cart and grabbed Cas’ wrist, which is attached to the hand that was inches away from grabbing the damn phone out of his pocket. Cas smiled, clearly trying to act innocent, and went to drop his hand. Dean held on, and moved his hand into Cas’ and laced their fingers together. 

“You’ve lost hand privileges now.”

* * *

“Why do humans… Why do we require so many items for daily self-care?” Cas asked as they loaded the bags groceries into the back seat of the Impala.

“You’re the one who bought the face masks, dude.”

Cas hummed. “Jack mentioned he did one with Claire last time he visited. He enjoyed it.” They loaded up the last of the groceries, Cas’ new toiletries, Sam’s rabbit food, and a frozen pie that called Dean's name. Dean put the cart away with the others, when he returned Cas was leaning against the Impala. Looking gorgeous and in a significantly better mood than earlier. Dean had hoped the shopping trip would cheer him up. 

Cas grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him close. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s midsection and buried his face in his chest. “Thank you, Dean.” He spoke quietly.

“Of course, Cas.” Dean kissed the top of his head. 

Cas pulled himself away just enough to place a kiss on his lips. They stood there for a moment. Cas leaned up against the Impala, drinking each other in. Cas’ lips were soft and familiar. Dean smiled at him when they broke apart. And they, reluctantly, unwrapped themselves from each other, and Dean made his way to the driver seat. 

They barely pulled out of the parking lot before Cas said, “Sam said, ‘Stop flirting by texting me. My god, you can't take one shopping trip without being disgusting.’”

_Wait_ . Dean turned, Castiel had his phone in his hands typing furiously. The little shit tricked him. “ _Motherfucker_.”

  
  
* * *

Dean tensed as when the cold, wet paper touched his skin. Jack’s finger pressed gently onto his face as he put the face mask into place. It smelled like oatmeal and lavender, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

Cas sat next to him, his face mask was already on, and his eyes were closed. He looked relaxed. Almost serene if it wasn’t for the fact that the face mask was supposed to look like a panda, but instead had him looking like that dead chick they had to gank a few years ago.

Dean’s was a tiger, or some fucked up version of one. The original picture did not translate well onto these masks, he was not sure why these things sold anyway. He knew he looked ridiculous if the snort coming from Sam in the doorway meant anything.

“Either put one on or kindly fuck off, Sammy.” Jack moved away to sit on the other side of Cas, and ripped open his own mask, it's supposed to be a puppy. Fitting. “We’re bonding”

“No, I’m good.” He had a shit-eating grin. “Eileen and I are going out anyway.”

As if on cue, Eileen made her appearance. Dressed in a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, she clearly had no immediate plans to “go out.” Eileen took her spot in the chair, and ripped open the fourth mask, this one was supposed to be a llama. “Hi, Sam!” She said, once her mask was in place. She grabbed the remote and turned on the movie. _Hercules._ It was Jack’s turn to pick. “Are you joining us?”

Dean smirked. “Yeah, Sammy. You joining us? We’ve got one left.” He gestured vaguely to the table.

Sam held up the mask and quirked an eyebrow.

Dean made certain to get a picture of Sam passed out, Eileen's Headband keeping his hair back, and a white and pink unicorn mask covering his face. Eileen made it her phone background. And in return she sent Dean a picture. In the picture, Jack had his legs resting across the Cas and Dean’s laps, watching the movie intently. Cas was asleep on Dean's shoulder, his panda mask slipping down his face and leaving a wet spot on Dean’s t-shirt. Dean had a soft smile on his face. Gross, when did he get so _mushy_? Dean made it his phone background anyway.

Dean slipped his mask off and tossed it away. He did the same with Cas’, carefully, to not wake him up. He leaned his head back, and shut his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas accidentally eats mint-flavored gum and Dean makes BJ jokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Bet you didn't expect a second chapter of this! I sure didn't.
> 
> This was based off a true story of mine. Will this become a series of traumatic mint-related events I pull from my own memories? Maybe. 
> 
> Thank you @maxguevra (tumblr) for the beta, and for telling me to turn the story I told her into a part 2. ily <3

Cas smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, over and over. Getting more annoying by the second. But  _ god _ , he cannot get the awful taste out of his mouth. The garlic bread, from the restaurant Dean took him to, lingered in his mouth. While it did live up to Dean’s praises, it didn't mean he wanted to still be tasting it  _ an hour later _ .

Dean reached over and not-so-subtly turned the radio up. Cas shifted uncomfortably. He almost kicked the bag at his feet out of frustration. Do humans just deal with this all the time? Do they eat garlic  _ once _ and they have to live with the consequences forever? Will he ever be able to taste anything ever again? 

_ Smack. Smack. Smack. _

“Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?” Dean turned the radio down and gave him a side glance. Equal parts concerned and fucking annoyed.

Cas grimaced. “What?” He looked away, out the passenger window. Suddenly all the trees were very interesting.

“What’s wrong with you?” Dean repeated. “Why do you keep smacking your lips? You sound like you’re making sound effects for a porno over there.” He reached over and poked Cas’ cheek when he didn’t turn. 

“I’m tired of tasting my mouth.”

Dean snorted. “Okay, Sunshine.” He reached over for his hand and gave it a gentle tug. When Cas finally turned, he said, “Wanna taste mine for a change?”

Cas rolled his eyes. After all these years, it didn’t take much for Dean to make Castiel blush. He felt his cheeks burn. He knew Dean would tease him for it. Cas could say or hear the most explicit, dirty phrases and keep a straight face, looking completely unfazed. But the minute Dean whipped out his cheesy, romcom one-liners, Cas felt like a teenage girl writing “Mr. Castiel Winchester” in the margin of his notebooks with little hearts around it. He both loved and hated the way his stomach flipped.

Cas shook his head. “My mouth. It tastes revolting. Fix it.” Garlic really stays with you like an STD.

At least Dean had the heart to look sympathetic. “I have some gum in my bag.” He gestured vaguely to the black duffle resting at Cas’ feet. “Should help.”

Despite the need for instant relief, Cas hesitated. “Is it peppermint?” He squinted.

“Of course not. Have I ever given you a reason to not trust me?”

“Yes, many times. Like that--”

“Okay, I get it.” Cas reached for the duffle. “It's in the-- yeah the side pocket.”

Cas nodded and retrieved a small blue folded box containing the silver-wrapped candies. “Winter Fresh” it said on the front of it. What did winter taste like? Pine needles? No, surely not. Possibly, cinnamon? That’s a flavor associated with winter, right?

No. Apparently his boyfriend is a  _ fucking liar _ , and winter fresh is just f _ ucking mint with a fancy-ass name.  _ He already chewed the gum enough that his mouth was now full of minty saliva and oh god he was gonna kill Dean. Throw his ass back into hell.

“Dean!” He managed to say while his mouth was full and he attempted to avoid having the garbage candy touch his tongue.

“Cas, what's wrong?” Dean tried to look over while keeping his eyes on the road. 

“It’s mint, you ass!” He was straight up panicking now. His mouth seemed to be salivating even more, and his tongue was burning. And it tasted horrible. Just fucking disgusting and he was about to up-chuck all over his boyfriend’s precious car if he didn’t do something fast. “What do I do?” 

“I don’t know, man! Swallow it!” 

“ _ Oh, thanks. I didn't think of that _ .” His muffled voice was still distinctly sarcastic. Swallowing was not an option. While it would be the logical choice, since it would no longer be in his mouth, his body would not physically let him. Instead the gag-inducing burn stayed in his mouth longer. “I have to spit it out, I can’t swallow.”

“Oh god, I want to make a joke  _ so _ bad!” Dean groaned.

Cas answered by glaring and rolling the window down. Spitting a mouth full of minty saliva, outside a car window, going 50mph, was not a smart idea, but this did not stop Cas one bit. And he ended up painting the side of the impala, to look like a bird shat sideways.

Dean looked from the road, to the back right window, back to the road, and back to the window. His jaw was hanging off his face. “Dude!” He looked to Cas who was sticking his tongue out, desperately trying to get this new, and definitely unwelcome taste out of his mouth. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He said for not the first time that day.

“Egh, I need water.” Cas started frantically rummaging through Dean’s duffle for a bottle.

“You did  _ not _ just spit on Baby.”

Aha! Cas found a half empty water bottle at the bottom of the bag. There was a large chance it was holy water, but there are worse things it could be. He chugged it. It felt cold against his freshly mint-violated mouth. It was unpleasant.

“Baby is a lady and deserves respect!  _ You do not spit on Baby _ !”

“At best, Baby is a 54 year-old alcoholic with daddy issues.” No, the comparison was not lost on either of them.

They pulled up to a traffic light and Dean hit the brakes just a little too hard. “You take that back!”

“She’s not gonna fuck you, Dean.”

“I said take it back!” The light turned green, and Dean didn’t move.

“Fine, she’s a lady.”

Dean nodded, and started driving again. “Now apologize.”

“To the  _ car _ ?”

“Yes!” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “And to me, for emotional trauma.”

“You betrayed my trust, Dean.” He held the blue pack against Dean’s cheek. “You told me this wasn’t mint.”

“Technically, I said it wasn't peppermint, and it's not.” Dean waved his hand around. ”And anyway, I wasn’t talking about that one.” Cas frowned. ”Look in that same pocket, I bought you like some fruity shit.”

Sure enough, Cas found a white and red pack of gum with a strawberry and orange and the words _ Trident LAYERS  _ written across it. “Oh.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah,  _ ‘Oh _ .’ What did you think ‘Winter Fresh’ meant--you know, what? Don’t answer that.” Dean’s hand found Castiel’s. 

\+ + +

“So.” Dean started. They were just pulling out of a gas station. Despite the shit he gave Cas, Dean stepped out of the car the moment he parked to clean the side of the Impala. He ignored all of Cas’ protests, and told him to just sit there and look pretty. After filling up the car, cleaning the side, and stopping in for some more snacks, and some more different gum flavors for Cas, they hit the road again. “Castiel.” Hearing his full name had started to feel a little odd. “Angel of Thursday. Once smote demons left and right, lead angel armies, and now can’t spit for  _ shit _ .”

“Dean Winchester.” Cas crossed his arms. “Famed hunter. Once stopped the apocalypse, and now, will be sleeping on the couch.” It was an empty threat. They both knew the minute they got home, to the bunker, they would crash onto their bed. Though, not before discarding their clothes. Cas preferred to sleep almost naked, if not totally; while Dean wore sweatshirts and warm socks. One day he had claimed it was to shield his body from Cas’ ice cold feet, but really the man just loved to be cozy and warm. And Castiel was his favorite blanket, and who was Castiel to ever deny him that? Even if he is mocking him.

Dean’s fingers tapped the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” His hand once again finding Cas’ once he relaxed. “It’s not like you’ve had much practice. You’re normally  _ swallowing _ .”

Cas dropped his hand and groaned. “I hate you.”

Dean smirked. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.” Cas leaned his head back on the head rest. “I cannot believe I pulled you out of hell…. For  _ this _ .” 

“What? I’m amazing.” He took mock-offense. “At least that’s what you were telling me last-- _ Hey _ !” Cas hit him with the duffle bag in the chest. “Do you want us to crash?”

“Yes, very much.”

“I’m just saying we should get a- _ head _ of this problem if it’s too  _ hard  _ for--”

Cas took a sip of his water and spit it into Dean’s face. “Hmm. No, I don't seem to be having any problems. Would you like me to try again?”

Dean was still staring at Cas. His mouth opening and closing like a damn fish. “Uh… Nope. I think we’re good.”

“Good.”

“I’m so going to get you back.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you for reading! I appreciate all your comments on the last chapter! I haven't responded cause I feel odd bumping up the comment count with my own? Is that normal? Should I just do it anyway? Regardless, thank you!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> 1 comment = 1 horrifying facemask


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